Dating Do’s and Don’ts: DO ANSWER THE WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, and WHY QUESTIONS BEFORE YOU START DATING

Submitted by Eileen Den Bleyker

Dating is the American social process of finding companionship with a person of the opposite sex, often with the hope of a more committed, long-term relationship.   Since the world is full of people of different sizes and shapes, likes and dislikes, and many varying background and personality combinations, selecting this companion occurs through the trial-and-error process of dating.   But before you begin to check someone out to see if a particular person is a good match for you, you’ll want to ask yourself some important questions. In this post, we’ll explore the WHO, WHAT, and WHEN of dating—come back next time to explore the WHY and WHERE of dating!

1.       WHO

Ask yourself:  WHO am I?   You must know yourself before you explore the personalities of others as you begin to date. For example, you must know the kinds of foods you like, and why, in order to accept or reject food choices made by a companion.  For example, do you eat only vegetarian food?  If so, you may not want to select a date whose idea of heaven is hunkering down on a juicy ribeye.  Or, if you delve deeper and discover that your vegetarian preferences go back to your childhood and your mother’s idea of diet, you may be willing to explore different experiences for your own palate.  The degree of importance that diet is to you will impact your dating choices, as well as the success of a dating experience.

So, your self-examination might include questions like, “What are my likes and dislikes? What are my values and morals? Do I have hobbies and interests that I hope to share with a future mate?”

Taking the time to know yourself is an important part of building a healthy relationship with another person. The better you know yourself, the more you can share with someone else.  You have an opportunity to amplify the joy you experience in life by sharing what you enjoy with others. 

Do you know yourself well enough to be able to identify what you would like to share with someone else?

2.       WHAT

Ask yourself: What do I want?  Know your hopes and expectations for a future mate before you begin to date. If you can identify your hopes and expectations up front, it allows you to share this explicitly with your potential mate at the start of a relationship. 

Consider:

• Is it important for you to spend time with your family and friends and to have your mate participate in that together time? 
• Do you have spiritual beliefs/values/rituals/practices that you would like to share with a future mate? 
• How do you manage your money?  Are you inclined to live it up today, save for tomorrow, or a combination of both? 
• How much time do you want to spend together?  Are holidays and weekends important together times for you? 
• Where does your work fall in your priorities? 

Knowing what you hope and expect will also allow you to more easily identify potential prospects who share your values and ideals. 

3.       WHEN:

Ask:  Is now the right time for me to be dating?  A few good questions to explore if now is the right time for you to begin dating might include:

1)      Did you recently end an important dating relationship?

(Is there a chance you could be “rebounding”?) 

2)      Do you still have feelings for your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend?

3)      Do you have any responsibilities that may present challenges to successful dating (e.g. extreme childcare, family, and/or work commitments)?

4)      Are you in a good place with your self-esteem/sense of individuality (are you comfortable doing things on your own, being by yourself, and / or do you have your own group of friends)?

5)      Have you had the opportunity to reflect on what did and did not work for you in prior dating experiences?

If you answered yes to the first three questions, proceed with caution about dating in the near future.  First, you may not be able to keep an open mind toward, or give a fair chance to, a new potential mate if you are still emotionally connected with your ex.  Be kind to yourself and others by waiting until you have resolved those feelings before dating again. It could be very confusing for you and the new potential mate if you haven’t worked through your feelings toward your ex.

Being single can seem less than ideal, but it has many benefits. Use your single this time wisely. Try to stay positive and learn about yourself and what you want and need from a future mate during times of singleness. Self-reflection will serve you well in the in-between dating times, and it will better prepare you to be able to identify a good match in the future.  (To be continued . . . .)