Adoption
is not easy… by Anne O'Connor
But
few things worth doing ever are, right?
Believe
me, I know from firsthand experience: I
am an adoptive mom of two beautiful, but complex, children, who are now young
adults. I am also an attorney who has
represented many people in adoptions – birth mothers and fathers, as well as
adoptive couples. None of these
experiences have been easy, but all of them have produced amazing blessings as
we witness fate unfold in people’s lives.
Adoption
is much more complex than finding a child who needs a “forever family,” placing
them with the “perfect couple,” and then everyone living happily ever
after. It is more like an intricate
patchwork quilt made up of pieces of fabric from all different sources and
backgrounds (and DNA), and where, at times, only a single thread holds it all
together. That thread is Love.
For
women considering adoption – it’s the most self-less act of love one could ever
perform. Giving life to a precious child
and placing him or her in a stable home that will provide opportunities,
support, and structure that you can’t at the time, is one of the noblest acts
you may ever be called to do.
Today’s adoptions are
much different from those in the past and sometimes portrayed on
television. When making an adoption
plan, you are in control of the adoption process and get to choose the adoptive
family who will raise your child. You can choose if you want the adoption to be
open or closed. You can agree to receive
pictures and updates about your child and may even be able to maintain a
relationship with the family and your child.
Adoption services are
completely free to the birthparents, and living expenses to help you during your
pregnancy may be available as well.
For
adoptive parents - adoption is a huge
gift and responsibility. You cannot be
naive about it: thinking that all it will take is love and that everyone will
live happily ever after. You have to
make sure your marital relationship is strong and united. You will meet challenges as a couple that you
did not anticipate as your adoptive child grows and questions his or her
identity. I tell my children that
although they didn’t grow under my heart, they grew in it. I love them with a mother’s heart so dearly
and sincerely, and I see them only as my very own. Sometimes, however, they haven’t seen me as
their own, especially during the teenage years.
It was like a dagger in my soul the first time I heard the phrase “You
aren’t my real mom” during a rebellious bout.
Strengthen yourself for those times, and be prepared not to take them
personally. It is during these times
that you have to be the thread that is holding the delicate quilt
together. You are entrusted with this
precious life through adoption and need to live up to that calling daily.
Adoption
isn't always easy… but few things worth doing ever are.
Loving
a child through adoption is definitely one of them.
Bio: Anne O'Connor has been
with the National Institute of Family and Life Advocates (NIFLA) since
1993. She served as NIFLA's General Counsel until she joined the staff
full-time as the Vice President of Legal Affairs in April 2013. Ms. O'Connor is a 1987 graduate of Loyola
Law School in Los Angeles, California, where she was inducted into the Order of
the Coif, an honorary scholastic society the purpose of which is to encourage
excellence in legal education. Admitted to the Bars of the State of California
and the State of New Jersey, as well at the U.S. District Court, California
Central District, and the United States Supreme Court, Ms. O'Connor has
assisted in the preparation of several Amicus Briefs to the U.S. Supreme Court and
other courts. Ms. O'Connor also served
as partner in her father's law firm in New Jersey, O'Connor & O'Connor,
with an emphasis on guardianships, probate, estate planning and adoptions.
