I met a friend for lunch the other day. He knew that I was a peer counselor at Solutions
and wanted to talk. I didn’t know what
was on his mind, but I gladly made the time.
When we got to lunch and started talking, he said, “I want to talk to
you about the impact of abortion on men.”
A heavy topic for lunch.
He then proceeded to tell me his story. Several years ago, he had his first child, a
daughter. He loved her and looked
forward to having his next child, maybe a son to carry on the family name. Unfortunately, his wife didn’t want the
responsibility of motherhood and marriage, so he found himself a single
dad. He told me that he struggled for
several years, balancing raising a daughter and a demanding job. He met a number of women, but they weren’t
interested in an “instant family.”
After three years of searching, he found someone that loved
him and loved his daughter. They planned
a big wedding to celebrate their love.
Only one problem, they got pregnant.
Not wanting to embarrass, themselves, their family or their friends,
they had an abortion. I no longer had
an appetite for lunch.
He continued his story by telling me that he and his second
wife were subsequently blessed with another baby girl. His wife was deeply impacted by her
daughter’s birth and deeply saddened by the decision that they had made years
ago. She was so upset that she sought
out counseling through Solution’s Post Abortion Counseling (PACE) program. Through the program, she found understanding,
comfort and peace. She also found
forgiveness. I thought that the story
was over – happy ending – but he continued.
“You know that we have three beautiful girls, and now
grandchildren. I love all of them, but
never really dealt with the decision that I made so many years ago. It has always been in the back of my
mind. Just a constant question – 'What
would have happened if…..'" I didn't know
what to say, so I continued listening.
“When my grandson was born, it all hit me. He was a beautiful little boy and he looked
just like me. Just like my son would
have looked…….” He then broke down in
tears.
“It wasn’t until he was born that I realized that there was
a reason that I was the last one in my family line. I was given a son, but I chose avoiding
embarrassment. Looking back, I wish that
I could do it all over again. I now
realize that I made a bad choice. I
chose convenience over life. I know now
that there isn't any real choice other than life.” He paused, and thanked me for listening. He had been carrying this burden for over 25
years. I realized that this was the
first time that he had ever spoken to anyone about his decision. He felt relieved. We paid the bill and left.
As I drove home, I thought about our talk. I was struck by one last thought – he carried his shame for over 25 years, just to avoid a few days of embarrassment. I'm glad I might be able to help someone like my friend, chose life over embarrassment, through the Men's program at Solutions.
My wife read this post to me to pass the time while I was convalescing. Knowing that that I was involved with women who had aborted my offspring she asked me if I cared to comment on this post. I immediately said, “no,” as I continued to “think” aloud. Maybe I’m just cold but I try not to think about it; if I did it would be too painful. It is easier to block things out of your mind when you’re young, but when you are older and facing life and death situations your thoughts travel back over your life. As I sit here enjoying visits from family and friends there is a sense that someone is missing. To think that there would be another family member here with me, that is just too sad. So I don’t allow myself to think about whom they would be, what I could have taught them, or would they have had kids? That’s too painful and when it hits, it hits hard. Regret, shame, guilt, grief, you name it, you feel it! And all you can think about is why didn’t I know, why didn’t anybody tell me, did I really fall for such an outrageous lie, as “it’s a choice, and not really a life”?
ReplyDeleteThe best way I can describe this is you see faces of people, but they are transparent, because they do not exist. You realize it is your imagination thinking about the lives you are missing. The person they would’ve become, children he or she may have had. A single loss becomes a multitude of losses.
All I can say is if there is a young man out there facing this same decision -- don’t be afraid, don’t be selfish, and stand up for your kid. Protect him or her. Some day you too will grow old and feel this loss, pain, shame and guilt. I wish knew then what I know now. The truth was hidden in a sea of lies. Seek the truth, even if it hurts, before you let something like this happen to you.
Joe