Motherhood by Teddie O'Neill

Sometimes I wonder who took the “M” out of Mother, leaving “Others” to raise our children.  It seems that in our modern definition of motherhood, the child’s need for connection has been overlooked.

Can you put into words what makes a woman a mother?  Or what makes her a good mother?  Is it simply giving birth to a child or adopting a child?  These are interesting questions and hard to answer.  Today these definitions of motherhood and what makes a good mother have “evolved” in order to fit the modern woman in America, as she adapts to her fast changing world.

Still we see so many problems with our children today and wonder why.  Parents blame the influences of other kids, teachers, the Internet, and the fact that kids today grow up in a drug culture.  Teachers blame the parents.  The truth is that the problems that our kids have come from a lot of sources.  Most kids today feel emotionally abandoned, as they don’t have any place where they feel safe.

The problem is that while the whole world’s belief system is in constant flux, the basic make-up of the baby hasn't changed.  Today’s newborn has the same needs his great grandmother had when she was born.  His natural instinct for his mother is formed in the womb as he grows from her, he hears her voice, and is shielded by her body from the world in a mysterious all-consuming way.  This bond, created by absolute dependency on the child’s part, is further enhanced after birth, as his senses identify her as his divine life giver.  Instinctively, he knows his survival depends on her both while in the womb and out of the womb.   Once born, he has an innate need to continue to bond securely with her in order to become a secure adult.

Bennett Olshaker, M.D. (The Child as a Work of Art), agreed that it’s important for the infant to have a “close, dependable loving relationship with a ‘care taking person’ He pointed out that only the mother has been provided ‘with the biological capacity to carry the infant before birth and to feed the baby with her own body after delivery.  James Dobson, family psychologist, in a recent radio program about gangs in America said that the lack of nurturing in a child’s life produces an actual chemical change in the brain.  Emotionally, such a child learns he cannot trust anyone to care for him.   Consequently, he will grow up unable to care for others and most importantly, a child who has not bonded with his mother won’t develop a conscience.

So how does the bonding process work?  The process takes time in order for the child to bond well with his mother.  But this is a two way process, as the mom needs to bond securely to her new baby as well. Many assume that she is naturally bonded through the birth process.  However, that is not true.

The new mother needs quality and quantity time with her newborn to insure her relationship with her new baby is one possessing the qualities of a strong and passionate connection, rather than just the caretaker. 

Breastfeeding is a tool that the Lord has given her (if she is able) to help this process along.  While feeding her baby, the mother must sit down and have intimate periods of time throughout the day and night alone with her baby.  It is a good beginning.

 It is through this process of bonding that the Lord changes both the mother and the baby.  For the mother, her character is transformed in a way that enables her to be selfless, loyal, committed, and passionate concerning her newborn’s wellbeing, transcending her personal desires.  Her child now has a secure fortress where he knows he is safe and loved. A place he can turn to in times of trouble.

It is when a child senses he has such a relationship with his mother that he will ultimately be able, as an adult, to separate from her as a secure individual, able to give out from his wholeness, rather than taking from his neediness.  Truly, motherhood is the most important ministry in the world. 

Theodore Roosevelt understood this concept succinctly when he stated, “If the mother does not do her duty, there will either be no next generation, or a next generation that is worse than none at all.”