Men and Abortion - One Man's Story

I met a friend for lunch the other day.  He knew that I was a peer counselor at Solutions and wanted to talk.  I didn’t know what was on his mind, but I gladly made the time.  When we got to lunch and started talking, he said, “I want to talk to you about the impact of abortion on men.”  A heavy topic for lunch.

He then proceeded to tell me his story.  Several years ago, he had his first child, a daughter.  He loved her and looked forward to having his next child, maybe a son to carry on the family name.  Unfortunately, his wife didn’t want the responsibility of motherhood and marriage, so he found himself a single dad.  He told me that he struggled for several years, balancing raising a daughter and a demanding job.  He met a number of women, but they weren’t interested in an “instant family.”

After three years of searching, he found someone that loved him and loved his daughter.  They planned a big wedding to celebrate their love.  Only one problem, they got pregnant.  Not wanting to embarrass, themselves, their family or their friends, they had an abortion.   I no longer had an appetite for lunch.

He continued his story by telling me that he and his second wife were subsequently blessed with another baby girl.  His wife was deeply impacted by her daughter’s birth and deeply saddened by the decision that they had made years ago.  She was so upset that she sought out counseling through Solution’s Post Abortion Counseling (PACE) program.  Through the program, she found understanding, comfort and peace.  She also found forgiveness.   I thought that the story was over – happy ending – but he continued.

“You know that we have three beautiful girls, and now grandchildren.  I love all of them, but never really dealt with the decision that I made so many years ago.  It has always been in the back of my mind.  Just a constant question – 'What would have happened if…..'"  I didn't know what to say, so I continued listening.  “When my grandson was born, it all hit me.  He was a beautiful little boy and he looked just like me.  Just like my son would have looked…….”  He then broke down in tears.

“It wasn’t until he was born that I realized that there was a reason that I was the last one in my family line.  I was given a son, but I chose avoiding embarrassment.  Looking back, I wish that I could do it all over again.  I now realize that I made a bad choice.  I chose convenience over life.  I know now that there isn't any real choice other than life.” He paused, and thanked me for listening.  He had been carrying this burden for over 25 years.  I realized that this was the first time that he had ever spoken to anyone about his decision.   He felt relieved.  We paid the bill and left.

As I drove home, I thought about our talk.  I was struck by one last thought – he carried his shame for over 25 years, just to avoid a few days of embarrassment. I'm glad I might be able to help someone like my friend, chose life over embarrassment, through the Men's program at Solutions. 

For Men Only

Adoption

Adoption is not easy… by Anne O'Connor

But few things worth doing ever are, right?

Believe me, I know from firsthand experience:  I am an adoptive mom of two beautiful, but complex, children, who are now young adults.  I am also an attorney who has represented many people in adoptions – birth mothers and fathers, as well as adoptive couples.  None of these experiences have been easy, but all of them have produced amazing blessings as we witness fate unfold in people’s lives.

Adoption is much more complex than finding a child who needs a “forever family,” placing them with the “perfect couple,” and then everyone living happily ever after.  It is more like an intricate patchwork quilt made up of pieces of fabric from all different sources and backgrounds (and DNA), and where, at times, only a single thread holds it all together.   That thread is Love.

For women considering adoption – it’s the most self-less act of love one could ever perform.  Giving life to a precious child and placing him or her in a stable home that will provide opportunities, support, and structure that you can’t at the time, is one of the noblest acts you may ever be called to do.

Today’s adoptions are much different from those in the past and sometimes portrayed on television.   When making an adoption plan, you are in control of the adoption process and get to choose the adoptive family who will raise your child. You can choose if you want the adoption to be open or closed.  You can agree to receive pictures and updates about your child and may even be able to maintain a relationship with the family and your child.  Adoption services are completely free to the birthparents, and living expenses to help you during your pregnancy may be available as well.

For adoptive parents -  adoption is a huge gift and responsibility.  You cannot be naive about it: thinking that all it will take is love and that everyone will live happily ever after.  You have to make sure your marital relationship is strong and united.  You will meet challenges as a couple that you did not anticipate as your adoptive child grows and questions his or her identity.  I tell my children that although they didn’t grow under my heart, they grew in it.  I love them with a mother’s heart so dearly and sincerely, and I see them only as my very own.  Sometimes, however, they haven’t seen me as their own, especially during the teenage years.  It was like a dagger in my soul the first time I heard the phrase “You aren’t my real mom” during a rebellious bout.  Strengthen yourself for those times, and be prepared not to take them personally.  It is during these times that you have to be the thread that is holding the delicate quilt together.  You are entrusted with this precious life through adoption and need to live up to that calling daily.

Adoption isn't always easy… but few things worth doing ever are. 

Loving a child through adoption is definitely one of them.

Bio:  Anne O'Connor has been with the National Institute of Family and Life Advocates (NIFLA) since 1993. She served as NIFLA's General Counsel until she joined the staff full-time as the Vice President of Legal Affairs in April 2013.   Ms. O'Connor is a 1987 graduate of Loyola Law School in Los Angeles, California, where she was inducted into the Order of the Coif, an honorary scholastic society the purpose of which is to encourage excellence in legal education. Admitted to the Bars of the State of California and the State of New Jersey, as well at the U.S. District Court, California Central District, and the United States Supreme Court, Ms. O'Connor has assisted in the preparation of several Amicus Briefs to the U.S. Supreme Court and other courts.   Ms. O'Connor also served as partner in her father's law firm in New Jersey, O'Connor & O'Connor, with an emphasis on guardianships, probate, estate planning and adoptions.

A Very Sweet Sixteen

In lieu of gifts for her Sweet Sixteenth Birthday, “Miss G” asked her family and friends to bring gifts for the young moms helped through Solutions.  This brief note was enclosed in the birthday invitations.

“Hello there! I hope you are able to join me for my birthday celebration. This year I would like to offer the opportunity to join me in helping a young mother in need. Over the past few years, I have been volunteering at Solutions Pregnancy & Health Center, a licensed medical facility that offers help, advice, and medical assistance for those facing an unplanned pregnancy. The Center offers free pregnancy tests, ultrasounds, counseling options, abortion recovery support, and support and referrals for adoption. They also offer maternity housing referrals and mentoring programs in a warm and caring environment. The Center provides essentials for those families who have chosen life for their babies. They are currently in need of diapers, wipes, baby clothing, and even food store gift cards. If you would like to donate any of these items, it would be greatly appreciated. My prayer is to give many other children birthdays this year and all the years to come, and every donation counts!
This cause is very important to me, as I was adopted from a teen mother who chose life. Thanks to her bravery and strength, I am blessed to have a 16th birthday this year! Please join me in celebrating the gift of life this year!”   Love, "G"

Seven Signs You are in an Unhealthy Relationship

Lorrie Erli, Executive Director

(Excerpt taken from Before You Decide published by Care Net)

1. When there is a disagreement, you are always wrong and your partner is always right.
2. You fear bring up a subject that is important to you because your partner might get really angry.
3. Your partner uses alcohol or drugs a lot. After your partner has been drinking or using, he/she can’t remember what was said or done to you.
4. Your partner tries to control your access to money, who you spend time with, where (or whether) you work, how you dress, or how you act.
5. You feel bad about yourself because your partner calls you names, makes fun of you, or views you a stupid, ignorant, or incompetent.
6. Your partner lies to you or cheats on you.
7. Your partner promises to change but doesn't.

Often, people stay in unhealthy relationships because they think they really love the other person and hope things will get better.  Some relationships do change with a little work and counseling, but if your partner is unwilling to get outside help or wants you to keep the problems in your relationship a secret, that may be a sign that your partner doesn't really want to change.  Remember, someone who really loves you will treat you with respect, kindness, and patience.  A healthy partner will be honest with you and value your thoughts and feelings; and, of course, would never be violent or force sex on you.

http://www.safehorizon.org

Hope

Pastor Ty Choate

One of the greatest stories of hope, love, and reconciliation is found in the Bible, and it is about a Prodigal Child. Prodigal means carelessly and foolishly spending money, time, etc. A Prodigal is someone who has wasted what was given to them. In this case, it was a son who wasted his wealth and broke his Father’s heart. Jesus told the following story:

 “There was once a man who had two sons. The younger said to his father, ‘Father, I want right now what’s coming to me.’ So the father divided the property between them. It wasn’t long before the younger son packed his bags and left for a distant country. There, undisciplined and dissipated, he wasted everything he had. After he had gone through all his money, there was a bad famine all through that country and he began to hurt. He signed on with a citizen there who assigned him to his fields to slop the pigs. He was so hungry he would have eaten the corncobs in the pig slop, but no one would give him any.

 “That brought him to his senses. He said, ‘All those farmhands working for my father sit down to three meals a day, and here I am starving to death. I’m going back to my father. I’ll say to him, Father, I’ve sinned against God, I’ve sinned before you; I don’t deserve to be called your son. Take me on as a hired hand.’ He got right up and went home to his Father.

“When he was still a long way off, his Father saw him. His heart pounding, he ran out, embraced him, and kissed him. The son started his speech: ‘Father, I’ve sinned against God, I’ve sinned before you; I don’t deserve to be called your son ever again.’ But the Father wasn’t listening. He was calling to the servants, ‘Quick. Bring a clean set of clothes and dress him. Put the family ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Then get a grain-fed heifer and roast it. We’re going to feast! We’re going to have a wonderful time! My son is here—given up for dead and now alive! Given up for lost and now found!’ And they began to have a wonderful time.” (The Message)

There could have been a different ending to this story. The Father could have disowned him and had nothing to do with him. Unfortunately, that’s how people treat each other sometimes. Maybe you’ve been disowned, or maybe people have turned their backs on you. They just won’t forgive or have anything to do with you. If this describes your situation, I have some very good news for you.

The Father in this story represents God, your heavenly Father, who will never turn His back on you. In fact, He is just like the Father in the story. He watches for your return. He wants to embrace, forgive, and bring you back in to the family. If you are ready to return, click this link: http://peacewithgod.jesus.net

How much protection is enough protection?

Dr. Margaret Lambert-Woolley

With tears spilling down her cheeks, she asked me, “How could this happen? It was only once; I was careful; I’m not promiscuous!” 

I’m asked this question many, many times each week after explaining an abnormal Pap smear has been caused by Human Papilloma Virus (HPV),  or after diagnosing what someone thinks is a “yeast infection” as actually being genital herpes, or after diagnosing a sore throat as actually a chlamydia infection or an HPV condyloma, and the list goes on . . .

My answer is simple . . . there is no such thing as “safe” sex.  You can do everything “right” . . . you can choose your partner carefully, you can limit the number of partners you have, you can use condoms 100% of the time, and you can still acquire a sexually transmitted infection.  Oral sex is not a “safe” alternative either.  You can acquire the same infections in the mouth and throat that you can acquire in the genital area. (ACOG practice bulletin # 582, December 2013 ) 

The real question is, how much can condoms help in protecting against transmission of STD’s?  In The New England Journal of Medicine (2006; 354, 2645-2654), the authors state “the protection that condoms provide against a specific sexually transmitted disease cannot be precisely quantified.” They cite difficulties with condom studies across the board regarding poor study design.  In 2000, Congress ordered the Secretary of Health and Human Services to examine this issue in detail, wondering if the labeling on condoms should be changed.  In reviewing the scientific literature on condoms, once again, they were struck by inconsistencies. Working as best they could with the studies they had to work with/analyze, they clarified the issue by dividing STDs into three categories:

1)            Those transmitted by sexual secretions—in this group, condoms would contain the man’s secretions, and the evidence suggested good protection from HIV and gonorrhea in men, for example, assuming no leakage.

2)            Those diseases transmitted by ulcers, like genital herpes (which could also at times be transmitted in fluids)—in this group, if the condom covered the lesion, protection could be good.  However, if the lesion was tiny, unnoticeable, and without symptoms, AND was on a part of the skin NOT covered by the condom, well, then . . . exposure to the female is much more likely.  Also, when you consider that 1 in 5 sexually-active adults has been exposed to genital herpes and can be a carrier and infect a partner WITHOUT symptoms (Leone, P. et al  Sex Trans Dis 2004; 31 (5) 311-316) . . . even sex with a condom is not necessarily “safe.” 

3)            HPV—this gets its own category, as all that is required is skin-to-skin contact (no fluids), and this virus is often shed from skin that is not covered by a condom.  Again, considering that at some “snapshot” in time, 80% or more of sexually active people will have HPV, we can see why this virus is spread far and wide.

How much protection is enough protection?  While the authors of the above-cited NEJM article conclude, “Six years later we have strong evidence that condoms reduce the risk of transmission of HIV, gonorrhea and chlamydia, [as well as] HSV in both men and women,” and recent studies suggest a decrease in the risk of HPV infection also, the question remains, decrease by how much?  And in the end, how much risk is acceptable?  Hence, the CDC’s recommendation for the ABC’s:

A – Abstinence

B – Be faithful

C – Condoms

Dating Do's and Don'ts Part 2

Submitted by Eileen Den Bleyker

In the last post on dating do’s and don’ts, we explored the WHO, WHAT, and WHEN of successful dating. In this post, we’ll look at the WHERE and WHY of dating, helping singles to ask themselves questions that will lead to a successful long-term relationship!

      

    1.       WHERE.

In exploring what makes for a successful dating relationship, another question to ask yourself is, “Where am I going in life?” This question will help you to think through your hopes and dreams for the future, before you begin to date. 

For example, where do you see yourself ten years from now?  Do you see yourself with kids or without kids?  Is home ownership important to you?  What are your career aspirations?  Are there things you would like to do in the next few years (e.g., places you want to travel, goals you want to accomplish, etc.)?

Having an idea of where you would like to head in life will help you to identify if you have common direction with a potential partner. 

2.       Why

Ask yourself:  Why am i dating?

Know what is motivating you to want to date at this time.  Ask, why date now?

Are you interested in dating because you feel lonely, bored, restless, and / or need someone else to “complete you”?  If you answered yes to this question, proceed with caution. Other people were never intended to complete you or to resolve the experience of loneliness or boredom.  Setting out with these types of motivations sets your new relationship up for failure.

Asking yourself the Who, What, When, Where, and Why questions before you date will help you to practice your skill at inner reflection and thoughtfulness. Being able to reflect will help you to increase in wisdom and maturity—highly-valued qualities in a person ready to date!