Sometimes I wonder who took
the “M” out of Mother, leaving “Others” to raise our children. It seems that in our modern definition of
motherhood, the child’s need for connection has been overlooked.
Can you put into words what
makes a woman a mother? Or what makes
her a good mother? Is it simply giving
birth to a child or adopting a child?
These are interesting questions and hard to answer. Today these definitions of motherhood and
what makes a good mother have “evolved” in order to fit the modern woman in
America, as she adapts to her fast changing world.
Still we see so many problems
with our children today and wonder why.
Parents blame the influences of other kids, teachers, the Internet, and the
fact that kids today grow up in a drug culture.
Teachers blame the parents. The
truth is that the problems that our kids have come from a lot of sources. Most kids today feel emotionally abandoned,
as they don’t have any place where they feel safe.
The problem is that while the
whole world’s belief system is in constant flux, the basic make-up of the baby hasn't changed. Today’s newborn has the
same needs his great grandmother had when she was born. His natural instinct for his mother is formed
in the womb as he grows from her, he hears her voice, and is shielded by her
body from the world in a mysterious all-consuming way. This bond, created by absolute dependency on
the child’s part, is further enhanced after birth, as his senses identify her
as his divine life giver. Instinctively,
he knows his survival depends on her both while in the womb and out of the
womb. Once born, he has an innate need
to continue to bond securely with her in order to become a secure adult.
Bennett Olshaker, M.D. (The
Child as a Work of Art), agreed that it’s important for the infant to have a
“close, dependable loving relationship with a ‘care taking person’ He pointed
out that only the mother has been provided ‘with the biological capacity to
carry the infant before birth and to feed the baby with her own body after
delivery. James Dobson, family
psychologist, in a recent radio program about gangs in America said that the
lack of nurturing in a child’s life produces an actual chemical change in the
brain. Emotionally, such a child learns
he cannot trust anyone to care for him.
Consequently, he will grow up unable to care for others and most
importantly, a child who has not bonded with his mother won’t develop a
conscience.
So how does the bonding
process work? The process takes time in
order for the child to bond well with his mother. But this is a two way process, as the mom
needs to bond securely to her new baby as well. Many assume that she is
naturally bonded through the birth process.
However, that is not true.
The new mother needs quality
and quantity time with her newborn to insure her relationship with her new baby
is one possessing the qualities of a strong and passionate connection, rather
than just the caretaker.
Breastfeeding is a tool that
the Lord has given her (if she is able) to help this process along. While feeding her baby, the mother must sit
down and have intimate periods of time throughout the day and night alone with
her baby. It is a good beginning.
It is through this process of bonding that the
Lord changes both the mother and the baby.
For the mother, her character is transformed in a way that enables her
to be selfless, loyal, committed, and passionate concerning her newborn’s
wellbeing, transcending her personal desires.
Her child now has a secure fortress where he knows he is safe and loved.
A place he can turn to in times of trouble.
It is when a child senses he
has such a relationship with his mother that he will ultimately be able, as an
adult, to separate from her as a secure individual, able to give out from his
wholeness, rather than taking from his neediness. Truly, motherhood is the most important
ministry in the world.
Theodore Roosevelt understood
this concept succinctly when he stated, “If the mother does not do her duty,
there will either be no next generation, or a next generation that is worse
than none at all.”
