One Woman's True Story -- Choose Love, Choose Life

I received this letter in the mail and asked the writer if I could post her story on our blog to possibly encourage someone facing an unplanned pregnancy.

The choices we make do matter. Some 27 years ago, I chose not to bring my first child into this world. I live with that decision every day.  While I know that God has forgiven me, I still wonder whether I have a son or daughter in heaven with Jesus.

I felt the need to write my story, perhaps to benefit someone like me.  I wanted to have my child and was surprised and glad when I found out I was pregnant.   My child’s father was not. I was young and did not understand the precious gift that God had given us.  Faith in God was not a part of life then; I had heard of God as a child, but was not taught about Him, nor did I understand that God is love.

My bad choices did not stop with the death of my unborn child, but rather contributed to a chain reaction of sorrowful deeds, including suicide attempts and the feeling that I was losing my mind. I cannot begin to explain to you how this “choice” robbed me of peace and joy.

At first I thought of the abortion as just a procedure.  I went into the clinic pregnant and came out not-pregnant.  I went to work the following day as though nothing had happened to me.  It was later when it hit me hard.  Several years later, when I was happily pregnant, I thought I was having a miscarriage and I was sure God was punishing me for aborting my first child.  That’s not how God works (but I didn’t know that then).  I was blessed with a beautiful baby boy and four years later I was blessed again with my second son.

When my second son was about a year old I had a break down.  At one point, I walked the streets of a large city for a day and a half, afraid to go home, for fear that my presence would cause harm to my family if they looked at me.    I remember holding a piece of cardboard in front of my face as strangers passed me by, I wanted to protect them from looking at me, because I believed that my sins would transfer over to them and I didn’t want that to happen.

Over the years I have had feelings of confusion, fear and guilt.  I have been in and out of mental institutions more than a dozen times in two different states.  My point is this…abortion is not just a choice…it is a child.  If I could say anything to someone considering abortion, it would be to please consider making an adoption plan for your child.  I have a nephew that we all adore, my sister and her husband were not able to have children of their own, and God gave them a precious child through adoption.  My nephew’s biological parents bravely chose life and placed their son into my sister’s arms.  What an unselfish act of love -- a true picture of God’s love and Jesus’ heart. 

I have asked the Lord to forgive me for having that abortion and I know there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus, but if I could change that day, THAT CHOICE, I would.  I would cherish my child and raise him myself or place him with a loving family through adoption.  I know that not every pregnancy is planned or even wanted, but the child is a gift from God for someone.  Abortion might seem like the answer to your situation, but please think carefully before you do it.  An abortion cannot be reversed.  You must live the rest of your life with your choice.

In closing remember God loves you and your unborn child and He cares about your decision.  God promises to never leave you nor forsake you.  

Pray and place your faith and trust in the Lord today and ask for the courage to choose life for your child. 

Motherhood by Teddie O'Neill

Sometimes I wonder who took the “M” out of Mother, leaving “Others” to raise our children.  It seems that in our modern definition of motherhood, the child’s need for connection has been overlooked.

Can you put into words what makes a woman a mother?  Or what makes her a good mother?  Is it simply giving birth to a child or adopting a child?  These are interesting questions and hard to answer.  Today these definitions of motherhood and what makes a good mother have “evolved” in order to fit the modern woman in America, as she adapts to her fast changing world.

Still we see so many problems with our children today and wonder why.  Parents blame the influences of other kids, teachers, the Internet, and the fact that kids today grow up in a drug culture.  Teachers blame the parents.  The truth is that the problems that our kids have come from a lot of sources.  Most kids today feel emotionally abandoned, as they don’t have any place where they feel safe.

The problem is that while the whole world’s belief system is in constant flux, the basic make-up of the baby hasn't changed.  Today’s newborn has the same needs his great grandmother had when she was born.  His natural instinct for his mother is formed in the womb as he grows from her, he hears her voice, and is shielded by her body from the world in a mysterious all-consuming way.  This bond, created by absolute dependency on the child’s part, is further enhanced after birth, as his senses identify her as his divine life giver.  Instinctively, he knows his survival depends on her both while in the womb and out of the womb.   Once born, he has an innate need to continue to bond securely with her in order to become a secure adult.

Bennett Olshaker, M.D. (The Child as a Work of Art), agreed that it’s important for the infant to have a “close, dependable loving relationship with a ‘care taking person’ He pointed out that only the mother has been provided ‘with the biological capacity to carry the infant before birth and to feed the baby with her own body after delivery.  James Dobson, family psychologist, in a recent radio program about gangs in America said that the lack of nurturing in a child’s life produces an actual chemical change in the brain.  Emotionally, such a child learns he cannot trust anyone to care for him.   Consequently, he will grow up unable to care for others and most importantly, a child who has not bonded with his mother won’t develop a conscience.

So how does the bonding process work?  The process takes time in order for the child to bond well with his mother.  But this is a two way process, as the mom needs to bond securely to her new baby as well. Many assume that she is naturally bonded through the birth process.  However, that is not true.

The new mother needs quality and quantity time with her newborn to insure her relationship with her new baby is one possessing the qualities of a strong and passionate connection, rather than just the caretaker. 

Breastfeeding is a tool that the Lord has given her (if she is able) to help this process along.  While feeding her baby, the mother must sit down and have intimate periods of time throughout the day and night alone with her baby.  It is a good beginning.

 It is through this process of bonding that the Lord changes both the mother and the baby.  For the mother, her character is transformed in a way that enables her to be selfless, loyal, committed, and passionate concerning her newborn’s wellbeing, transcending her personal desires.  Her child now has a secure fortress where he knows he is safe and loved. A place he can turn to in times of trouble.

It is when a child senses he has such a relationship with his mother that he will ultimately be able, as an adult, to separate from her as a secure individual, able to give out from his wholeness, rather than taking from his neediness.  Truly, motherhood is the most important ministry in the world. 

Theodore Roosevelt understood this concept succinctly when he stated, “If the mother does not do her duty, there will either be no next generation, or a next generation that is worse than none at all.”

Men and Abortion - One Man's Story

I met a friend for lunch the other day.  He knew that I was a peer counselor at Solutions and wanted to talk.  I didn’t know what was on his mind, but I gladly made the time.  When we got to lunch and started talking, he said, “I want to talk to you about the impact of abortion on men.”  A heavy topic for lunch.

He then proceeded to tell me his story.  Several years ago, he had his first child, a daughter.  He loved her and looked forward to having his next child, maybe a son to carry on the family name.  Unfortunately, his wife didn’t want the responsibility of motherhood and marriage, so he found himself a single dad.  He told me that he struggled for several years, balancing raising a daughter and a demanding job.  He met a number of women, but they weren’t interested in an “instant family.”

After three years of searching, he found someone that loved him and loved his daughter.  They planned a big wedding to celebrate their love.  Only one problem, they got pregnant.  Not wanting to embarrass, themselves, their family or their friends, they had an abortion.   I no longer had an appetite for lunch.

He continued his story by telling me that he and his second wife were subsequently blessed with another baby girl.  His wife was deeply impacted by her daughter’s birth and deeply saddened by the decision that they had made years ago.  She was so upset that she sought out counseling through Solution’s Post Abortion Counseling (PACE) program.  Through the program, she found understanding, comfort and peace.  She also found forgiveness.   I thought that the story was over – happy ending – but he continued.

“You know that we have three beautiful girls, and now grandchildren.  I love all of them, but never really dealt with the decision that I made so many years ago.  It has always been in the back of my mind.  Just a constant question – 'What would have happened if…..'"  I didn't know what to say, so I continued listening.  “When my grandson was born, it all hit me.  He was a beautiful little boy and he looked just like me.  Just like my son would have looked…….”  He then broke down in tears.

“It wasn’t until he was born that I realized that there was a reason that I was the last one in my family line.  I was given a son, but I chose avoiding embarrassment.  Looking back, I wish that I could do it all over again.  I now realize that I made a bad choice.  I chose convenience over life.  I know now that there isn't any real choice other than life.” He paused, and thanked me for listening.  He had been carrying this burden for over 25 years.  I realized that this was the first time that he had ever spoken to anyone about his decision.   He felt relieved.  We paid the bill and left.

As I drove home, I thought about our talk.  I was struck by one last thought – he carried his shame for over 25 years, just to avoid a few days of embarrassment. I'm glad I might be able to help someone like my friend, chose life over embarrassment, through the Men's program at Solutions. 

For Men Only

Adoption

Adoption is not easy… by Anne O'Connor

But few things worth doing ever are, right?

Believe me, I know from firsthand experience:  I am an adoptive mom of two beautiful, but complex, children, who are now young adults.  I am also an attorney who has represented many people in adoptions – birth mothers and fathers, as well as adoptive couples.  None of these experiences have been easy, but all of them have produced amazing blessings as we witness fate unfold in people’s lives.

Adoption is much more complex than finding a child who needs a “forever family,” placing them with the “perfect couple,” and then everyone living happily ever after.  It is more like an intricate patchwork quilt made up of pieces of fabric from all different sources and backgrounds (and DNA), and where, at times, only a single thread holds it all together.   That thread is Love.

For women considering adoption – it’s the most self-less act of love one could ever perform.  Giving life to a precious child and placing him or her in a stable home that will provide opportunities, support, and structure that you can’t at the time, is one of the noblest acts you may ever be called to do.

Today’s adoptions are much different from those in the past and sometimes portrayed on television.   When making an adoption plan, you are in control of the adoption process and get to choose the adoptive family who will raise your child. You can choose if you want the adoption to be open or closed.  You can agree to receive pictures and updates about your child and may even be able to maintain a relationship with the family and your child.  Adoption services are completely free to the birthparents, and living expenses to help you during your pregnancy may be available as well.

For adoptive parents -  adoption is a huge gift and responsibility.  You cannot be naive about it: thinking that all it will take is love and that everyone will live happily ever after.  You have to make sure your marital relationship is strong and united.  You will meet challenges as a couple that you did not anticipate as your adoptive child grows and questions his or her identity.  I tell my children that although they didn’t grow under my heart, they grew in it.  I love them with a mother’s heart so dearly and sincerely, and I see them only as my very own.  Sometimes, however, they haven’t seen me as their own, especially during the teenage years.  It was like a dagger in my soul the first time I heard the phrase “You aren’t my real mom” during a rebellious bout.  Strengthen yourself for those times, and be prepared not to take them personally.  It is during these times that you have to be the thread that is holding the delicate quilt together.  You are entrusted with this precious life through adoption and need to live up to that calling daily.

Adoption isn't always easy… but few things worth doing ever are. 

Loving a child through adoption is definitely one of them.

Bio:  Anne O'Connor has been with the National Institute of Family and Life Advocates (NIFLA) since 1993. She served as NIFLA's General Counsel until she joined the staff full-time as the Vice President of Legal Affairs in April 2013.   Ms. O'Connor is a 1987 graduate of Loyola Law School in Los Angeles, California, where she was inducted into the Order of the Coif, an honorary scholastic society the purpose of which is to encourage excellence in legal education. Admitted to the Bars of the State of California and the State of New Jersey, as well at the U.S. District Court, California Central District, and the United States Supreme Court, Ms. O'Connor has assisted in the preparation of several Amicus Briefs to the U.S. Supreme Court and other courts.   Ms. O'Connor also served as partner in her father's law firm in New Jersey, O'Connor & O'Connor, with an emphasis on guardianships, probate, estate planning and adoptions.

A Very Sweet Sixteen

In lieu of gifts for her Sweet Sixteenth Birthday, “Miss G” asked her family and friends to bring gifts for the young moms helped through Solutions.  This brief note was enclosed in the birthday invitations.

“Hello there! I hope you are able to join me for my birthday celebration. This year I would like to offer the opportunity to join me in helping a young mother in need. Over the past few years, I have been volunteering at Solutions Pregnancy & Health Center, a licensed medical facility that offers help, advice, and medical assistance for those facing an unplanned pregnancy. The Center offers free pregnancy tests, ultrasounds, counseling options, abortion recovery support, and support and referrals for adoption. They also offer maternity housing referrals and mentoring programs in a warm and caring environment. The Center provides essentials for those families who have chosen life for their babies. They are currently in need of diapers, wipes, baby clothing, and even food store gift cards. If you would like to donate any of these items, it would be greatly appreciated. My prayer is to give many other children birthdays this year and all the years to come, and every donation counts!
This cause is very important to me, as I was adopted from a teen mother who chose life. Thanks to her bravery and strength, I am blessed to have a 16th birthday this year! Please join me in celebrating the gift of life this year!”   Love, "G"

Seven Signs You are in an Unhealthy Relationship

Lorrie Erli, Executive Director

(Excerpt taken from Before You Decide published by Care Net)

1. When there is a disagreement, you are always wrong and your partner is always right.
2. You fear bring up a subject that is important to you because your partner might get really angry.
3. Your partner uses alcohol or drugs a lot. After your partner has been drinking or using, he/she can’t remember what was said or done to you.
4. Your partner tries to control your access to money, who you spend time with, where (or whether) you work, how you dress, or how you act.
5. You feel bad about yourself because your partner calls you names, makes fun of you, or views you a stupid, ignorant, or incompetent.
6. Your partner lies to you or cheats on you.
7. Your partner promises to change but doesn't.

Often, people stay in unhealthy relationships because they think they really love the other person and hope things will get better.  Some relationships do change with a little work and counseling, but if your partner is unwilling to get outside help or wants you to keep the problems in your relationship a secret, that may be a sign that your partner doesn't really want to change.  Remember, someone who really loves you will treat you with respect, kindness, and patience.  A healthy partner will be honest with you and value your thoughts and feelings; and, of course, would never be violent or force sex on you.

http://www.safehorizon.org

Hope

Pastor Ty Choate

One of the greatest stories of hope, love, and reconciliation is found in the Bible, and it is about a Prodigal Child. Prodigal means carelessly and foolishly spending money, time, etc. A Prodigal is someone who has wasted what was given to them. In this case, it was a son who wasted his wealth and broke his Father’s heart. Jesus told the following story:

 “There was once a man who had two sons. The younger said to his father, ‘Father, I want right now what’s coming to me.’ So the father divided the property between them. It wasn’t long before the younger son packed his bags and left for a distant country. There, undisciplined and dissipated, he wasted everything he had. After he had gone through all his money, there was a bad famine all through that country and he began to hurt. He signed on with a citizen there who assigned him to his fields to slop the pigs. He was so hungry he would have eaten the corncobs in the pig slop, but no one would give him any.

 “That brought him to his senses. He said, ‘All those farmhands working for my father sit down to three meals a day, and here I am starving to death. I’m going back to my father. I’ll say to him, Father, I’ve sinned against God, I’ve sinned before you; I don’t deserve to be called your son. Take me on as a hired hand.’ He got right up and went home to his Father.

“When he was still a long way off, his Father saw him. His heart pounding, he ran out, embraced him, and kissed him. The son started his speech: ‘Father, I’ve sinned against God, I’ve sinned before you; I don’t deserve to be called your son ever again.’ But the Father wasn’t listening. He was calling to the servants, ‘Quick. Bring a clean set of clothes and dress him. Put the family ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Then get a grain-fed heifer and roast it. We’re going to feast! We’re going to have a wonderful time! My son is here—given up for dead and now alive! Given up for lost and now found!’ And they began to have a wonderful time.” (The Message)

There could have been a different ending to this story. The Father could have disowned him and had nothing to do with him. Unfortunately, that’s how people treat each other sometimes. Maybe you’ve been disowned, or maybe people have turned their backs on you. They just won’t forgive or have anything to do with you. If this describes your situation, I have some very good news for you.

The Father in this story represents God, your heavenly Father, who will never turn His back on you. In fact, He is just like the Father in the story. He watches for your return. He wants to embrace, forgive, and bring you back in to the family. If you are ready to return, click this link: http://peacewithgod.jesus.net